Victory in Scriptures

I spent many years living without Jesus, unable to understand some of the things that happened to me. Once Jesus came into my life, I still did not understand, but I trusted He did and everything that happened was under His authority. I quit asking “Why?”. 

When We Ask Why

God’s beautiful plan

Is sometimes concealed,

But someday His purpose

Will be fully revealed.

Someday God’s wisdom

Will make it clear and plain

Why problems were permitted

And how He uses pain.

We’ll see the Lord’s purpose

From Heaven’s point of view,

And we will understand

In ways we never knew.

Till we are home with God

Some answers have to wait.

“Lord, we’ll trust and obey –

Lord, help us walk by faith.

~ Perry Tanksley

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.” ~ Proverbs 3:5-6

As a newbie-Christian, I entered faith embracing the whole idea of a loving Father, but I didn’t fully understand the concept of giving it all to Jesus. Why would God want to take on common problems and angst? So when the world caved in, which it seemed to do often, I would go into a whirlwind, felling overwhelmed and underqualified. Praise God I found Philippians 4:6-7.

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God, and the peace of God, which passes understanding, will guard your heart and mind.”

I began to talk to God about my life, everything. At first it was like meeting a new friend and not being sure how much information to divulge. After a few days, I laid every anxious thought, heartache, fear, uncertainty and brokenness at His feet. I gave it all to Him. The aftermath was peace that seeped in slow and easy, a transfusion of healing and strength.

A few years ago, I was at an Emmaus Walk and during a prayer session, one of the attendees who was cripple slipped out of her wheelchair and began crawling toward a large, rugged cross on the other side of the room. As she got closer she stretched out her hand to touch it. That visual changed my life.

“Cast your burdens upon the Lord, and He will sustain you.” ~Psalm 55:22

For many years I have leaned on the Word of God to help me navigate life. I have had to purpose myself to do it. It does not come naturally. Seeking the Father early in the morning and sitting with Him in the silence centers me for my day ahead. During my worship time, God often lays many things on my heart – people who need encouragement or a fresh word from the Father. Before I end this precious time, I write in my journal. It’s a time for me to remember all God has done for me, my family, and the world around me. I understand why God asked the Israelites to gather “remembering” stones. It’s important for us to remember God’s goodness and provisions because in the hard times it’s easy to forget. Satan will be only too thrilled to remind us we are a failure, unworthy, unwanted, and unloved, especially by God.

And those twelve stones, which they took out of the Jordon, Joshua set up at Gilgal. And he said to the people of Israel, “When your children ask their fathers in times to come, ‘What do these stones mean?’ then you shall let your children know, ‘Israel passed over this Jordon on dry ground.’ For the Lord your God dried up the waters of the Jordon for you until you passed over, as the Lord you God did to the Red Sea, which he dried up for us until we passed over, so that all the peoples of the earth may know that the hand of the Lord is mighty, that you may fear (be in awe) the Lord you God forever.” ~Joshua 4:20-24

God wants us to know all about Him. He loves us with a love that is too great for our human mind to grasp. 

“God proved His love on the Cross. When Christ hung, and bled, and died, it was God saying to the world: I love you”.  ~ Billy Graham

“I will not forget you! See I have engraved you on the palms of my hands.”  ~Isaiah 49:16

“I will never leave you nor forsake you.” ~Hebrews 13:5b

God created you. (Genesis 2:7)

God created you in His image. (Genesis 1:27)

God knitted you together in your mother’s womb. (Psalm 139:3)

God numbered the hairs on your head. (Matthew 10:30)

God says you were fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:14)

God says you are more valuable than a sparrow. (Matthew 10:30)

God gave His only Son so that you could have life. (John 3:16)

God says you are His heir. (1John 3:2)

God says you belong to Him. (John 14:18)

God loves you as a perfect Father. (1John 3:1)

God has forgiven your sins. (1John 1:9)

God says no one can snatch you out of His hand. (John 10:29)

Walk as children of the light. (Ephesians 5:8) Let others see that light and share Jesus with them. You have a glorious future. (1 John 3:2) You are a citizen of heaven. (Philippians 3:20) God loves you. This knowledge has saved my eternal life.

“He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High

shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.

I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress;

my God, in Him I will trust.”

Surely He shall deliver you from the snare of the fowler

and from the perilous pestilence.

He shall cover you with His feathers,

and under His wings you shall take refuge;

His truth shall be your shield and buckler.”

 ~Psalm 9:1-4

Love God with all your heart. Lean into Him and live a life of peace, joy, and contentment. God bless you always,

Angela

Entering the Dark

I have prayed over the next few blog posts. They were hard to write. I ask for your patience as I share very private, very hurtful events in my life. Not to moan about what was, but to share what Christ has done through those events to restore who I am in Him.

I’m not the first one who has been ashamed of their inner turmoil. Instead of speaking out about hurt, brokenness, isolation, abandonment, fear, and depression, I’ve kept them harbored in silence. 

In 2009, I attended the Emmaus Walk. I heard fellow believers get real and honest about running away from God and stepping into unimaginable pain, loss, depression, and sin. More than speaking out about their challenges, they were praising God for their sufferings because their sufferings had brought them closer to Jesus.

I love Jesus more than anything, but at that time in my life, I was just beginning to go deeper in my faith. Suffering with someone seemed like a strange concept until God had me remember my own experiences, and the experiences of those He had put in my path. I thank God for the women and men who serve at the Emmaus Walk. They are encouragers who create a safe environment for those seeking a closer walk with Jesus.

In the blogs, I talk about demons or “the uglies” as I called them. They are crippling emotional traumas that I incurred as a young child. I didn’t understand; so, I tried to make sense out of things that made no sense at all. Words said. Or worst yet, words left unsaid and left to the imagination of the one haunted by them. And a child’s imagination can conjure up words as physical cripplers. And sometimes they are, manifesting themselves as headaches, chronic stomach issues, and withdrawal.

Have patience with me. The beginning is hard. The end is victory in Christ. I pray what Jesus has taught me might help you or someone you know who battles with low self-confidence, depression, addiction, unacceptance, brokenness, hurt, isolation, divorce, loss . . . and the list goes on. 

Thank you for letting me share. Blessings, Angela

My Story: Entering the Dark

For months I have felt an inner disturbance. It’s one of those recognizable times when you know something is brewing, and it’s about to overflow. I tried to ignore all the symptoms to no avail. So, I began to pray, “Jesus, please don’t leave me alone. I’m terrified to face another battle.”

Demons. That’s what I’ve called them since I was a child. Demons. I’m sure I got that word off some Bela Lugosi, better known as Count Dracula, movie. Later in life I called them “the uglies”. They’d rush in unexpected and uninvited to cripple emotionally.

My natural recourse to deal with “the uglies” was to turn inward and hide. They found me when I was seven years old. That’s when my life went from an innocent child, loved and cared for to a solitary being. It’s the recurring nightmare. Screaming. Screaming and running to the door, watching our navy Desoto and my parents speeding up the road, leaving me behind. The only thing that kept me from escaping was a pair of strong hands that gripped me from behind, barring my escape.

That day, I found out that my parents were really my grandparents, and the young couple facing me were my biological parents. I folded inward and went into a grief of such magnitude that I felt dead.

I remember being ushered into a bedroom and hearing the door close. I crawled onto the bed and curled-up into a ball. I slammed my eyes shut. It would become my new technique, my survival mode. In the presence of fear, I shut down everything but the breath. Later I referred to this safety mechanism as “no thinking”. I tried to disappear from everything. Life stalled and darkened.

“The enemy can camp at your doorstep

 for an indefinite period of time

and it won’t matter to you.”

(David Jeremiah, Sanctuary, June 2)

That’s true. And the enemy is ruthless. He will storm your life until you are on the edge of giving up, and then he will retreat, and slink away laughing at ripping you open from the inside out. This went on for years. It was my secret. My “uglies”. I thought I knew how to deal with them. I would just shut down and refuse to give them notice. In my silence, I buried them deep into dark recesses, hiding each of “the uglies”. Finally, they’d retreat into the graves I dug for them.

As a child the aftermath of these times were lower grades, poor concentration. My grades never got so low a teacher had to call my parents, and they never asked about grades; so, I forged their signature on my report cards. I figured they didn’t care to get messed up with the ghost of a child who rarely spoke and was withdrawn. Then again, they seemed to have their own battles. I heard them at night, struggling with their own demons. I stayed clear. I had enough issues of my own.

“No thinking” is not the best technique to fight “the uglies”. They’d figure out a way to disturb even silence. Depression usually followed. When “the uglies” taunting got unbearable, I wondered what would happen if I just disappeared from life forever. Would anyone notice? Maybe it would kill “the uglies” for good. Getting rid of them might be worth going into a permanent silence.

Jesus had His work cut out for Him. He didn’t just have to work on a broken child, He had to heal and mend wounds that were deep, suffocating, and fear based.

Abandonment is a crippler. You always have your guard up. Trust was suspect. Love demanded proof. It never seemed real. People tossed the word around like a ball in a tennis match. It flowed too freely into valleys of deception and lies. Love seemed minimized by frivolity and half-truths.

Trust and love go together. I’m always in protection mode. Always. Walls erect quickly.

My husband chides me because I don’t ask questions. I don’t ask a lot of questions for a lot of reasons. Whys set up more anxiety, a feeding frenzy for “the uglies”. Whys don’t change circumstances. My life would have still been the same. I would have been abandoned. “The uglies” would have settled inside me. It was the way it was supposed to be. 

As I got older, after I met Jesus, there were hard questions that haunted me like, “Why didn’t You find me?” “Why couldn’t You save me?”

Had I known Jesus earlier, I would have had precious verses and childhood songs to rock me to sleep instead of pretending I didn’t exist, didn’t matter.

I would like to share my journey with you. This is extremely hard. I am peeling myself open and exposing fears, demons. They are real. The enemy is real. He’s after your faith, hope, and joy.

Recently “the uglies” returned. God asked me to venture into the silence with Him to face these new demons, these emotions or feelings that were begging for attention.

Demons come in many forms—depression, abuse, addiction, brokenness, hurt, loss, divorce, suicide, discouragement, abandonment, and much more. These words and their stories fill our newspapers, magazines, TV, and radio. Are we listening? Are our hearts breaking? Or have we become anesthetized to human suffering? Do we truly understand that we have a national crisis? It’s not a “them” problem; it’s an “us” problem.

I pray hearing my story will help you see clearer with eyes like Jesus. The rest of the story follows. Please hang in and read until the end. I want you to see how great our God is!

In Jesus’s holy name I pray,

Angela