Shame is a robber. Fear is a liar.

Jesus came for the shamed and fearful, the hurt, broken, blind, deaf, downtrodden sinners of this world. He died for us in order to free us from the bondage of sin.

“Am I good enough? Do I measure up?

Feels like a war I can’t win, but I wasn’t given the spirit of fear.

 I was given the power of love.

Everything I’ve been fighting against, I’m gonna lift it up. I wanna be fearless!

No holding back, no backing down. Fearless!

Because I believe You’re with me now. Bring on the unknown.

 Lead me, and I’ll go. Come set me free. God, I want to be fearless!

~ “Fearless” by Jasmine Murray

Going into battle behind Christ meant I had to be reckless and fearless.

In preparation for “the uglies” that kept whispering lies to me, God has a plan, I needed to be ready. I needed to be still, wait for His directives, and listen to His command.

      1. In the stillness, I learned to listen to God. The more I listened, the more I wanted to know about Him. The more I found out about Jesus, the more I wanted to follow Him. Luke 9:23 states, “Whoever wants to be My disciple must deny themselves, take up their cross daily, and follow Me.”

     2.  Following Jesus meant you trusted Him. Even when you aren’t sure where He’s taking you or you don’t agree with His timing, you respect and honor Him. We are asked to follow through with obedience. “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” (2 Corinthians 10:5)

     3. We are also to be obedient to God and His Word. That’s why we study the Bible to get into a closer relationship with Him and to learn how to be obedient. “Through Him we received grace and apostleship to call all the Gentiles to the obedience that comes from faith for His name’s sake.” (Romans 1:5)

     4. Worship and praise follow obedience. “Let them praise Your great and awesome name – He is holy.” (Psalm 99:3)

     5. Be prepared. Stand ready. Listen for God’s directives. 1 Peter 1:13 declares, “Prepare your minds for action, keep sober in spirit, fix your hope completely on the grace to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” Psalm 25:4-5 “Make me to know Your ways, O Lord. Teach me your paths. Lead me in Your truth and teach me, for You are the God of my salvation; on You I wait all the day long.”

“To those involved in this dying world,

Satan will come with evil’s undiluted power to deceive,

for they have refused the truth which could have saved them . . .

they see truth as a lie, and the lie as the truth.

They accept the lies of the devil.”

~Billy Graham

I built walls to protect myself. I used to think I had to fight “the uglies” by myself. I accepted the lies of Satan.

You are unloved. Unwanted. Unworthy. A failure. A loser. Fearful. A loner. Unwelcome. Univited.

Satan used a small child who could not understand. He continues to use me. I know I will have to battle the forces of darkness all my life. Demons will rise up and try to derail my faith over and over again. I know this. But I also know God will fight my battles. Just like He’s always done.

Believe me . . . shame is a robber. It will steal your joy, tear down the truth of who you are and were created to be. Fear is a liar. It will sink you into despair and keep your eyes off Jesus.

Christ asked me to remember that everything that happened to me was about imperfect people with hurts of their own. It was not about me. I’ve accepted that. I believe it to be truth. I forgive them because I have been forgiven.

“Now on my heart this Word is written . . . forgiven, forgiven.

No guilt or shame can hold me.

I’m covered by Your mercy.

On my heart this Word is written . . . forgiven, forgiven.

~ “Written” North Point InsideOut

One morning I got up, rushed to get my coffee and settled into worship time. I prayed, opened my Bible, and before I read the first verse, I felt “the uglies” speak.

“Your life has been about writing and reading. That’s how you’ve coped with us. When you go blind, you will not be able to escape into books. You will not be able to leave your hurts on a pad of paper. We will torment you in your darkness. You will no longer be able to hide from us.”

Fear flared, tears sprang to my eyes. I sank back and let those words drench me. Blind. I couldn’t imagine never being able to express myself on paper. Never be able to read a book or plunge myself into an escape?

Writing gave me the pleasure of sharing my life without recourse, judgment, or worry. I didn’t have to crawl out of a broken shell and make pleasantries hoping people wouldn’t see the fractured me. Writing didn’t demand I do anything. Its love was contained, secured, and controlled. These words did not leave me empty or look at me as if something was wrong.

Reading has been my consistent, forever friend. Friends that became family and didn’t leave you. When no one else came to my rescue, these friends loved me past the haunts. I’d grab a book and travel with a friend to far away countries and view life through their lens. I’d watch them being loved and cherished. When I read the last page of the book, I could lovingly close it and put it away. It left no hurt.

Writing and reading had been my lifeline to sanity.

I lifted my head, took a deep breath, and saw the scripture I had written on an index card the day before:

“The Lord is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in Him, and He helps me!”

~Psalm 28:7

I repeated the verse 3 times. Each time I recited it, my breathing became less labored and my mind settled down. I turned the card over and saw these words I had written on the back.

“In the serious battles of life,

times when our strength is just not enough,

Jesus is our lifeline, our Savior.”

Writing and reading were not my lifeline to sanity. Jesus was and is and forever will be my lifeline.

I sat back and let the tears flow.

It was out, spoken out loud. My fear had been expressed and with Jesus I knew I would be okay whatever the future held for me. With six eye surgeries behind me and little help from the eyedrops, the pressure in my eyes continued to be unstable. Nerve damage was a reality, and I knew my vision was in serious jeopardy. I had feared facing the threat of blindness for fear I would fall victim to depression or worse. “The uglies” would win, and I would lose forever.

Then I realized the real pitfall. What really had my attention?

The plan I didn’t see or the ONE who could see?

Here I am, God. Gracefully broken.

 

Depression, suicide, addiction, and abuse, and abandonment are ugly words, but they are real words. Don’t brush them under the rug. Don’t form opinions without understanding the frailty of the wounds these words cause.

We are all battling “the uglies”. Some do it better than others. But no one can win the battle without Christ. The person you love, the one passing you on the street, and the one sitting next to you on the pew in church may be hurting, broken, and in need of Christ, in need of you showing them Jesus.

Their story, like mine, may be deep and wide, filled with demons of all kinds. Love and extend fellowship. Fight the war with Jesus. We desperately need frontline warriors who see what Jesus sees.

“And I know that You’re able,

and I know You can save through the fire with Your mighty hand,

but even if You don’t, my hope is You alone.”

~”Even If” by Mercy Me

Thank you for sharing my journey. I have more to share. Victory in Scripture. Victory songs.

Blessing to you always,

Angela