Friday, May 13, 2016
Do you believe?
During all this boo-hooing, I kept doing my Bible study. One morning I ran across Matthew 9:28 and I stalled, reading it over and over again.
“Do you believe I am able to do this?”
All those “I” statements came rushing back to me. I can’t do this. I’m too tired to do that. I wish I could crawl under the sheet and stay there until I feel more like me.
I . . . I . . . I.
So I kept reading the verse. Did I believe God could do this? Handle all my mess? Could I trust Him enough to get it done?
Then the absolute unimaginable sentence slipped into my mind. Would God do it the way I wanted it done or would He change things . . . or change me?
Wow! Now I had shifted the whole ballgame. God was asking me to put my full trust in His delivery even when I didn’t particularly like His response. So I spent the next few weeks listening, waiting, doing less complaining, and a lot more praying.
I began each day in prayer. And I prayed over what I had on the calendar and asked for God’s guidance on every bit of it.. At first it was an inner struggle. If I sat down, my knees would bob up and down. My grandmother used to call it the St. Vitus dance. I never asked her what it meant, and I’ve used the expression many times; so I looked it up.
“Sydenham’s chorea, historically referred to as Saint Vitus Dance, is a disorder characterized by rapid, uncoordinated jerking movements primarily affecting the face, hands, and feet. “
In my case, it was the legs. But the action actually began to calm me down. Don’t ask. I’m strange. Ask my granddaughter, Jackie. She shakes her head and smiles as soon as I begin to explain the oddities of life. Don’t ask about that either.
At the end of each day, I began to see God’s hand in every movement. The layout of my plans under His direction began to have a rhythm. The most important things were done first. There was no mayhem anymore. And no . . . I did not complete everything on my list. That’s the beauty of it. I realized I didn’t need to.
That’s when I began to feel the internal change. The power from within that could only have been from God. I became excited to visit Him in prayer each morning and dedicate my list to Him. Before long, I felt at ease prioritizing my list, keeping a separate list for things “I’d like to do”.
The internal change became an outward change. My legs quit bobbing when I sat in silent reflection and prayer. Yes, I was still tired, but I also began stopping during the day. I started coloring. Yep . . . coloring! I kept a table set up with colored pencils and beautifully illustrated scripture sheets from a coloring book I bought at a Margaret Feinberg Women’s Conference. Even if I stopped for 10 minutes, it gave me time to breathe deep and reflect.
It’s amazing how revived I became and was able to accomplish more than I could have imagined, even doing things not on my list – mailing cards and calling family and friends.
It’s been eleven weeks. Eleven weeks of believing Jesus can do this. My Bible study has gone deeper. My prayer life has accelerated. Knowing that I need the Lord Jesus Christ as my Savior, and yes, Life Planner, too. I need Him in the extremes of life and in the everyday planning of it.
Thank you, Jesus, for standing by me and showing patience in my angst. I’m still tired, but You are helping me manage that, too. Bless you for loving me to the uttermost!
God bless you!